What do I do?

Written by xero on January 24th, 2012

Life’s problems appear to get so big… it just seems useless to fight. Sometimes I wish someone was here to tell me what to do. I don’t want to make another mistake and cause more problems for my family. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got some type of chemical imbalance because one day I’ll feel like anything is possible and there is hope and yeah… I can get through this! Then something will happen and I will feel quite the opposite. Fuckette… nothing is going to change… my problems can only get worse no matter what I try.

I need to do so many things yet I only seem to have time enough to work my job, sleep, and eat. Well… occasionally I shower. But other than that… everything is falling apart around me. Things are getting old, worn out and breaking. There is never enough money to go around but yet there is enough to be wasted or taken from me. Sometimes I just want to scream at the world to leave me the hell alone!

What have I done to deserve such a life? What have I NOT done to deserve such a life? If I could only get paid to feel sorry for myself… then my money problems might ease up. I know something has to be done, it’s just I don’t really know what to do first or IF I can do anything. I’m not asking anyone to live my life for me but I work much better with some type of feed back. Something positive to focus on… something that will return an actual result that will encourage me to try harder. I never claimed to be a fearless leader but I know I have certain responsibilities.

I suppose I have the same questions as anyone else. Why am I here? What am I meant to do with my life? Kinda silly to be asking such questions at 41. You’d think I’d know by now? All I do know is if I could just find that one thing that I’m good at… and could earn a living from… I think then my life would be a success.

However, at the moment I don’t have a clue.

 

The singularity… (take 2)

Written by xero on December 29th, 2011

I was going to blog my dream on the previous post but when I looked up “singularity” on websters’ site… it was so profound that I had to make a post simply for the definition.

It all started when I was driving my old truck down a country dirt road at night and in dark, rainy weather. My daughter was with me and we were on our way to pick some other people up and get them somewhere safe. The details (as usual) are sketchy but we were definitely in a hurry and I was having trouble recognizing the roads because of that.

I think we eventually got lost and I had to get out of the truck and walk ahead as there was lots of debris scattered. I was trying to find the best route out of this wooded area we found ourselves in. The clouds were dark as though a big storm was coming in but the rain had stopped for a little while. As it turns out it was actually daylight… the clouds were so thick and dark that it appeared as though it was night.

The farther I pressed on… the more narrow the roads were becoming. I’ve done this sort of thing before where it looks like a dead end and then POOF! A highway appears. I didn’t really feel uneasy until I heard the sirens. They weren’t the normal civil defense wailers… these were louder, more distressing and more numerous. It felt as though something very, very bad was about to happen.

Finally, we reached some type of structure. It looked like some sort of theme park set in a rainforest environment and primitive human paraphernalia. My daughter was trying to tell me which way to go but I thought I knew better and I entered the structure through a window. By this time we had picked up a few people in the back of my truck and I was trying to get them somewhere safe. That’s when some FEMA guy comes out of one of the offices and starts yelling how we need to get the hell out of the area… go back the way I came. I was trying to explain that I was lost so getting back would be impossible.

The more I asked about why the sirens were going off the more this guy wanted me out of there. He kept looking at the people in my truck and then at me and could only say that “it is not safe to be here.” It came to the point where I refused to go anywhere unless I knew what was going on. Logically, I can’t make a good tactical decision without good intelligence. When the FEMA guy saw that I was being too stubborn or curious to leave… he wanted to work out a deal that if he showed just ME something, could I keep it quiet and get everyone gone.

Of course I can, right? That’s when the FEMA said “I’ll show you the singularity”. To which in my mind I’m saying “singularity=wtf??!!” Did I mention the FEMA guy was wearing an orange vest and a hard hat? Yeah, he was. So we walk to a side exit door and that’s when I see it. I see the singularity. I see it right outside and it’s on this planet. But this wasn’t a black hole… it was more like a column of distortion that was rotating like a tornado. The ambient light and clouds behind the singularity distorted into the shape of a cylinder. I was stationary but it’s affects could be seen all around.

The FEMA guy says the singularity just appeared and that it is projecting some type of energy field that spans planet-wide. Like an invisible curtain that is dividing the planet into ‘halves’. I was in such shock and awe that I walked right up to the curtain and touched it with my hand… without even thinking to ask if there was any danger to anything living that made contact with the “force field”.
Apparently the FEMA guy didn’t know you could touch it because he nearly shite his pants yelling “NOOOOOOO!” as I walked up to the curtain with my arm outstretched.

It felt like an opposing force that was soft. Kinda like two magnets of the same polarity or a heavy stream of water. It also glowed where my hand touched it. Since there was no apparent danger… I tried to walk through the curtain of energy. The same soft force now encompassed my body but I could still breath normally. However, my vision was blurred with prismatic glares. The incredible thing was (as though a force field is not already incredible) that I could somehow manipulate the energy. Whenever I brought my hands close together they opposed like I described earlier.

I thought ” this is how Magneto must feel”.

Too tired to write more… highlights are I become a superhero and invent a new motorcycle design to which my dream starts to seem strangely like a mix of “Green Latern” and “Fantastic Four” movies as far as the character I become…. I.E. Hal Jordan and Johnny Storm. Yeah… a little typecast, eh?

 

The singularity

Written by xero on December 29th, 2011

sin·gu·lar·i·ty noun
a point at which the derivative of a given function of a complex variable does not exist but every neighborhood of which contains points for which the derivative does exist

I exist… but I don’t exist.

 

Sweet 16… bittersweet

Written by xero on December 9th, 2011

Yes, it’s that time again. The last daughter has reached the protuberant age of 16. (Yes, I looked that word up.) I chose “protuberant” because this is a time of a young person’s life that pushes them out farther than ever before into oncoming adulthood. Specifically… the driver’s license.

Ah yes. No more “can you take mees”. No longer “I need a ride”… now it will be “I need the car”. Or perhaps it will be turned around completely and it will be the parents asking the “can you take mees”. Having gone through this twice before, I feel that I’ve got a good idea of what needs to be done. However, I’m not so willing to turn loose of what parenting responsibilities I have left. I understand completely that I need to start letting go but what I’d PREFER to do is to hold on loosely. That is if my daughter can understand this concept.

Yeah, I can’t watch my youngest 24/7 or keep some type of surveillance upon her. If she really wants to do something, she’s going to do it whether I approve or not. But I don’t see this as an excuse to stop doing my job. It’s not pointless and I still have a few things that I can contribute.

I am proud of all three of my daughters. My middle one has really been a blessing for me personally these last couple of months. I am looking forward to all of them being successful (large or small) and independent. This next year may be a bit heart wrenching for me. However, our children have to learn how to stand on their own. I pray that this newfound independence won’t be a cause of a falling out between my daughter and I. Let’s hope that I’ve got a few good words left that will be of benefit rather than discouragement.

So where do I stop and start letting her take over?

 

ima texting foo

Written by xero on December 8th, 2011

I dun no how long txting ben here but i jus got a nu phon wit unlimtd txt n web. i got da cheep 1 wit no kypd so it takes 4evr to txt ppl. i hav to leev off ltrs and not spel stuff rite to mak it fastr. and not all my ppl no leetspk so cant abbr evrthng.

OKTHXBYE