The mural

Written by xero on April 14th, 2014

I could see in my mind an angelic figure which hovered just above the ground. Her drapery weightless in the air as if she had just descended to earth to cradle an object of fragile nature. A head tilted aside as if to empathize with the loss of a close friend. Would she ascend with the object to Heaven? Who was she feeling sorrow for? A left hand was left open to caress a forever quiet face… a right hand clutched the garment of dark figure that stood beside her.

The dark figure stood firmly upon the ground and held strongly to a chain that was anchored to the earth, having it wrapped around his right forearm as if to heave up a great weight. Yet, it was immovable… even by this muscular structure that wore a dark robe. Feet are spread apart in a strain to remain standing and hidden behind the object, behind the weightless garments of the angel, a sword with its point driven into the ground is held carelessly upright with the figure’s left hand. A broad chest shoulders a blindfolded head looking up with a mouth gaped open. Does he shout in anger or is it disdain?

The object itself is ornate with vines and leaves woven into a semicircle underneath and below. It seems very natural or at least… of nature with ivory and golds and greens. Something that would return back to the earth that it had originally come from. The object hides what the two figures love and morn. It leaves one feeling unknown and without.

Finally, a third figure lies on the ground as if exhausted, splayed on one side. His hands reach to the feet of the others but not necessarily in worship. Perhaps to commune? Does another chain await this third or will he stand to rise with the angel. Or perhaps he will continue to walk forward into the bountiful garden that resides behind all of them… into the sunlit path that feels so warm and peaceful. Can there be another path that is yet to be seen in the distance? Or shall it be a wandering without destination?

This is how I see the mural.


So much to say

Written by xero on December 24th, 2013

But in the end… it all sounds the same. I keep complaining about the same problems of my life but can’t seem to do anything about them. There is so much I want to do and learn and experience but I am so buried under with working two jobs and trying to sleep when I can. I am simply wasting my life for nothing except just to exist… I am just existing. No purpose. No accomplishment. No satisfaction. No contribution. I am simply just here to work, sleep, eat, shit and then repeat.

It would be nice to reset my life and just cut loose all of this garbage tied to me… to start again fresh. I need an overhaul.


The aftermath

Written by xero on October 28th, 2013

Nearly nine years have gone by since I bought my first motorcycle. It’s been at least 74K miles later. That’s a long time on two wheels. Many special moments were created on my Aero… the best I can remember was visiting my friend Thomas in Del Ray Beach, Florida. (twenty minutes from Miami). I was the second owner and can remember when it was all shiny and new. The last memory is seeing the old girl on the back of a wrecker truck. My scars will be around forever to remind me of the good times.

Things worked out really well with my insurance company. I was paid much more than I could have ever received if I were to try to sell the bike on my own. I also took the advice of the wrecker truck driver and found me a newer bike on craigslist. I’ve never had much luck at that site but I did really well finding a replacement. The seller was a really nice guy that was moving to the Rocky Mountains. He said he didn’t want to make multiple trips back and forth for his stuff so everything was for sell that could be sold. I had to come up with about a thousand dollars but the seller came down on his price… and even threw in a bike jack. I almost got a helmet too. Now I’m a proud owner of a a Honda VTX 1300 with a few extras already installed.

The VTX is newer and bigger and faster than my Aero.  There were some maintenance costs up front but overall the bike is in great condition. All of the previous owners were fair weather riders so the bike was clean and the paint still looks new. The body style looks much better but I don’t like the skinny front wheel. I have to admit that the Aero performed much better in the rain. I don’t trust the VTX on turns during wet conditions. I’ve already looked into getting some better tires.

Now I’m back on two wheels and having a great time. It’s only been about a month and I’ve already logged 3K miles. My Aero had sat up for about nine months so there is much before getting it running again so there are many miles to make up for. The most surprising thing is that my wife can’t stay off the VTX. I’ve been giving her a ride to work every day for the last two weeks. It’s been pretty cool. It is going to require some additional equipment for us to do this regularly so I’ve had to get on ebay and spend more money. We will see how much she likes riding now that the cold weather is upon us.

I found some pics online of my old and new bike:


Okay… 3rd wreck

Written by xero on September 10th, 2013

Yeah well… I must have jinxed myself. Perhaps in my pursuit to ‘get back on the horse’ I got careless. The road was wide and dry but unfamiliar. I walked away with only a few scratches on my right wrist. Actually, I limped away after re-injuring my knees. The damage to the bike was much worse this time and I was unable to ride the bike back home. I had no choice but to call my insurance company at 2AM and arrange for towing. If my clutch lever had not been broken off I would have attempted a return journey. However, I didn’t want to risk any further damage to the bike and there was a smell of gasoline. I’m not sure what else was damaged in the crash. Something may have been catastrophically damaged.

The insurance company opted to call the bike a total loss. It pains me to think that I could have gotten it home to repair the damage I’ve done. I’m left feeling inadequate with myself. My confidence has taken a hit. Two crashes in two weeks. Is it a good idea to find another bike or should I consider this chapter of my life closed? It seems completely natural to me to acquire a new bike. Naturally I’d like to make the best of a bad situation and use the insurance money to find a replacement. Perhaps even find a bigger and better bike despite the chastisement of of close family members. I have no deathwish, I am not driving in a foolish manner, I wear proper gear and obviously I am fully insured. Is it really wrong of me to continue to pursue something that I love to do?

My whole life has been a string of incomplete events. College, artistry, computers and even my work. I was demoted at my primary job this week. My life amounts to nothing at this point. One failure after another. My relationship with God has been non existent. I feel so disconnected at this point that any attempt to ask for help seems pointless. Although I believe in the boundless power of my God… I do question my own worthiness in asking. Maybe it is my pride that stands in the way… I don’t know. Nothing makes sense anymore and everything around me is deteriorating. It is harder for me to maintain a positive outlook on life in general.

This blog is about the only consistent thing I’ve been doing over the past ten years. I don’t know if that is good or bad.


2nd wreck in 9 years

Written by xero on August 20th, 2013

Several years ago, I wrecked my motorcycle on the way home. It was during the rain and now that I’m talking about it… I just realized it was almost identical scenarios.  The incident happened on wet roads and on a sharp turn. The first time it was because I was tired and drowsy. Having nodded off for only a second, I opened my eyes to see a turn coming up. There was not enough time to make the turn so I opted to keep going straight and through a drainage ditch. I’ve never ridden a dirt bike before so I wasn’t aware that during a jump you should not be sitting down. The bike bucked me off and I landed in front of it. It was fortunate that I landed in tall grass and soft wet ground… it still knocked the wind out of me but there were no broken bones. My whole left side of my body was sore for a week but there was no permanent damage.

A few days ago, under said circumstances, I was confronted with a most confusing decision. Although it was simple as turning left or right… the signs at the fork of the road made no sense to me. Going southbound in Mobile, the road forked as I entered the downtown area. Now looking south… west is on your right and east is on your left. However, the sign said “west, Pensacola” on the right and “east (some unknown city) to the left. But I knew that Pensacola was east of Mobile. I hesitated for a second trying to understand the conundrum. The hesitation proved disastrous as I lost my window of opportunity to properly negotiate the sudden right turn. I braked hard on the front wheel… which was also a rookie mistake given the wet conditions… which lost all traction once it hit the slippery road paint. I can only assume that is what happened because my front end disappears and the bike dropped onto its right side.

I estimate I was doing ten to twenty miles per hour. I say estimate because currently I don’t have a speedometer on the bike. She is in need of new parts. So the bike dropped and I hit the ground with considerable force. Instinctively I let go of the handlebars to put my hands in front of me… to break my fall. My knees, however, dug into the pavement as the energy was transferred to my lower body being twisted by the forward momentum. My entire weight was directed to my left hip which slammed into the pavement. The bike continued to skid on its right side ahead of me while I was rolled along like a ragdoll for at least fifteen feet. I was actually trying to roll in the direction of my fall… trying to dissipate the torque. I was screaming in my head “ROLL BILL ROLL!” The tactic was a success and I survived the crash with minor injuries.

My knees are banged up badly but no broken bones. My firm belief in wearing proper gear saved my hands and elbows as the padding in my riding jacket performed perfectly. My gloves held up as well despite being worn out at the finger tips. If I had knee pads… I would have no injuries to speak of other than sore muscles from the impact. Days later I’m feeling sore shoulders from hitting the ground at such speeds… I don’t know how football players can do this sort of thing for a living.  Currently my left knee is swollen and there are a gash or two that probably need a few stitches but everything is holding up alright. My hip is less painful but I’m worried about an infection in the knee… depending how things look tomorrow I might seek medical attention.

The bike has taken quite a few hits. It still cranked up fine after the wreck so I didn’t call the State Police for a report nor have I spoke to my insurance company. I could still walk around so I didn’t call for an ambulance. Any landing you can walk away from is a good one, right? But now I have a broken spotlight, a bent gas tank, a damaged airbox cover, a damaged master cylinder, a bent foot brake lever, a bent foot peg, a dented exhaust pipe and a gashed up front fender. Oh, and two damages turn signals. This is the worst I’ve ever done to her… I wonder if she will ever forgive me. I’ve already ordered over $300 in parts and I have probably another $600 to go to get things back to normal. Except for the tank and master cylinder… I was planning on replacing the stock parts anyway but this wasn’t exactly the way I wanted to go about it.

It’s not going to stop me from riding. Not as long as I can still pick the bike up.