I’m just going to sit here patiently… waiting for a miracle. Yep, I’m not going to worry about it… just going to sit here… and wait… patiently. This is me… just waiting… and sitting here… patiently might I add. What? Me worry? Pfft! No! Of course not. I mean why would I be worrying if I were just SITTING here WAITING for a miracle to happen. PATIENTLY waiting too. See if I were not so friggin patient… then I’d probably go friggin INSANE just sitting here WAITING for something to happen. How crazy is that, eh? Not doing anything about things that I have no control over and just NOT worrying about them because I KNOW a miracle is about to happen.

Hahaha..it’s almost laughable. Wait a minute… I was just laughing. Ok so it really is laughable. Is laughable even a word? Let me check. Ok, yeah…laughable really is a word. Ludicrous is probably a better term… perhaps even comical. Then again my reference was about laughing which denotes that it was something comical. That wouldn’tmake any sense if I said “Hahaha.. it’s almost comical. Wait a minute… I was just laughing. Ok so it really is comical.” Err… no …uh… that sounded witty. Maybe I should have not said that saying comical was a not an accurate term. I prefer to sound witty than just funny. Anyone can be funny but witty/funny is much better than plain funny. Witty makes me look smart and I want to be smart. Well, I’m not saying I’m NOT smart. I’m just saying that other people might think that I meant that thought of myself as dumb.

Ok, do I sound nervous? I’m not really making any sense right now, am I? I seem to be talking in circles. What on earth would I be nervous about, eh? I mean really… a MIRACLE is about to happen and I’m patiently waiting for it… just sitting here. See how calm I am? I’m just sitting back relaxed… waiting patiently for a miracle. Doesn’t that just ooze confidence when you create a mental image of it? Someone kicked back with his hands behind his head and legs crossed… looking all confident like he KNOWS something good is about to happen… a miracle no less. Wouldn’t you want to BE that type of person that walks around with a smirk because you know something that no one else knows?

Smirking and kicked back. Yeah, uh… that sounds kinda arrogant now that I am creating a mental image of it. I don’t want to come off as all cocky and arrogant. When I say I’m waiting for a miracle…it’s not to denote that I am DESERVING of one. I mean really… just because I’ve been going through twelve years or so of FRIGGIN CRAP doesn’t mean it automatically qualifies me for a miracle. Krikey, there are millions of people out there who are much worse off than me that could certainly use a miracle… are much more deserving of a miracle than me. Who am I anyway but some whiney, cowardly little man that daydreams about miracles happening to him.

Alright, the miracle isn’t really for ME. It’s for someone else that can use it much more than myself. I really don’t have anything to complain about. I’m healthy (sort of), I have a loving wife and children and parents. So what if the house I live in is a wreck…it’s mine and the roof doesn’t leak. It’s warm in here…err…well… upstairs anyway. I’m freezing my toes off down here and my fingers are going numb but I can’t afford to keep the heat on all the time. The heater warms enough of the house even though its about 30 years old and the house is poorly insulated.

Hey, hey! I’m not supposed to be complaining. No one likes a whiner. I’m supposed to be HAPPY because a MIRACLE is about to happen. My wife is going to graduate from phlebotomy school and she’s going to be certified to work in a hospital or a doctor’s office. She’ll start working again and that’s extra money to our shoestring budget. I won’t have to be so stressed anymore about having enough to pay the bills every month. I might even be able to quit one of my jobs and spend more time with my kids. Doesn’t that sound GREAT?! Doesn’t that sound like a MIRACLE to you? So what if it sounds like just another daydream that will never come true? Isn’t that why it’s called faith? Isn’t that why we believe in things we don’t see or understand? Simply because its the truth? See, that’s me. Not getting all nervous and worried because I know something good is about to happen.

And I’m thankful. I’m so very thankful that FINALLY something is going to work out that will change the future for the better. I’m thankful for all the @$%!*& CRAP that I’ve gone through for the past &^%$@! YEARS because it’s made me much more stronger person. I wouldn’t have been able to get to where I’m going to without having gone through all that. Does that make any sense to you?

I’m still trying to figure it out myself.

It’s already February. The older I get, the faster time passes. Weeks feel like days in my middle-aged-ness. Working two jobs compounds the problems as one day blurs into the next. It seems as though my children are growing right before my eyes. I’m reminded of a movie clip from one of Adam Sandler’s movies… “she’s all grown up and I missed it” or something like that.

I have this constant feeling that I am supposed to be doing something important. What thing? Dunno, your guess is as good as mine. You tell me what I’m supposed to be doing. That’s what I pray for. There are many signs of good things to come on the horizon. It has been a good feeling to see my family working together more now than in previous years. OOPers is old enough to start working a part-time job and will soon have a drivers license. MIKA has decided to attend phlebotomy school and will be certified in about six weeks. BOO is growing up so fast that I can already see her as a teenager in my mind’s eye. Just the other morning I dreamt she was 20 years old… barely recognizable. It broke my heart to think that one day she will move on with her life which I’ll probably see very little of.

Me? I’m here running around in circles wishing that I could do something productive with my life. I know time is against me and that quiet desperation sometimes wells up within my mind. Alas, all I can do is but daydream of fanciful ideas. Besides that, I can not afford to follow such dreams because my family must come first. It has been necessary for me to work two jobs for almost three years now. Most likely… more of that will be demanded of me before things change for the better. I’ve already told MIKA that I’ll work three or even four jobs if that is what it takes to get ahead of the monthly bills. It’s not greed or fear that motivates me. I want her to understand that our future does not hinge upon her graduation from phlebotomy school. Her certificate isn’t our salvation. I don’t want her to feel any unnecessary weight upon her shoulders. She is allowed to make a mistake.

The problem is, is MIKA going to be one of those people who don’t change simply because they don’t have to? Or will she be one of those people who will appreciate a supportive husband? I’ve met people who live miserable lives and complain constantly of thier misery. Yet they do nothing to amend thier scenario because someone else carries them over the difficulty. I can only hope that she understands me. However, I must admit that I’m very excited about the potential success of having a second and third income added to the family budget.

Anxious would probably be a better word.

I couldn’t take it anymore. All these new CSS templates and I have no clue how to edit them to my liking. This is more me. Not because of the colors or design… but because I created this entire page with my self-taught skills in HTML. Sure, it’s nothing fancy to look at but you gotta admit it looks pretty clean.

This page is actually three pages put together using “iframes”. I did this primarily for my other website that has much more than three. They all link to a single URL that can be edited or renamed in a single session. The bonus is that my pages can be dynamic which will throw the spambots off kilter. Spambots sniff out the .PHP code for my comments script and leave nasty spam comments. Once they find the archives… I’ll get 40-60 notification emails per day All because some web crawling bot picked up on a key word the spammer listed for its search parameters.

Things have become rampant at blogger which is why I suspect they keep pushing for me to use thier latest version. I hate updating… especially when I don’t know how it’s going to affect my websites.

I’ll tweak this page a bit more. I’m going to reference some nice templates I found for Wordpress. They have some really cool shiznit and you’d be surprised how well I can imitate some of thier designs. My goal, however, is to start putting some of my own graphic content into this layout. I hope to get some hand drawn images digitized so I can start editing them.

I hope ya likes.

What is happening? Is what happening? Depending upon the context… neither mean the same thing. What is happening is that I’m blogging right now about “is what happening?”

Well… is it?

“Is what happening?”, you may ask. That’s exactly what I’d like to know. Whether or not I know what is happening depends greatly upon answering the question, “is what happening?”. Do you understand what I’m saying? Can you answer the question?

If you can’t answer the question, then most likely you do NOT know what is happening. Since you don’t know what is happening, it would do me no good to explain “is what happening?”. Quite frankly, I don’t know myself

Which brings us back to our original query… “is what happening?” I was pretty sure something was happening. I’m just not sure what it is. If what WAS happening then I’d know for sure what is happening. But since I don’t know if what is happening then naturally, I don’t know what is happening.

Now that we have that out of the way. Could you, please, tell me what is happening?

One thing I’ve learned over the short span of my life is that stress can bring out the best in people… or the worst in people. Everyone will come to a point in thier life where they will suffer. We are made to cry and bleed. How we act during those trials will show what we truly have in our hearts. The suffering is like putting raw metal ore in a furnace… the heat causes all the impurities to float to the surface. You may never really know who you are until such a life changing event has occurred.

I know I have failed God in many ways through such tests. It is only just now that I’m beginning to understand why I feel so alone and forsaken. He wants to know what is in my heart. He wants to know because He knows I don’t.