I was off today so I got up early to make the best of it. The doc needed some blood to test my cholesterol levels, I needed to speak with the counselors at the college I’ll be attending in October and it wouldn’t hurt to search for some job prospects as in about three weeks I’ll be unemployed.

The bad news from Mika Monday prompted me to execute my “plan B”. While in town I stopped by my broker’s office to sign papers needed to cash in my retirement plan. The wife said she would be coming down to visit with her therapist in just a few hours… so I decided to stick around and have her pick me up. She would meet me at a restaurant and I’d leave my bike in the parking lot. We then would ride together to do what she had to do. During my wait… I got a phone call from Oopers. I was again shocked to hear some tidbits of a conversation she was having with her older sister… Tojo.

It’s bad enough that my family will soon be ripped apart…whether by our own devices or not. Now, like vultures circling, Tojo takes the opportunity to disparage what remnants that remain. We have a bad history, Tojo and I from a few years ago. Basically what it boils down to is that I was not a good enough father and Mika was not a good enough mother. Despite her graduating high school with high marks, she was not into drugs or alcohol, and she wasn’t pregnant before 18… we just didn’t do a good enough job.

Granted, yeah… we could have done better. Every parent who would be honest enough with themselves would have to agree that they might have done things differently a second time around. The fact still remains that we BOTH did the best we could… especially being as young as we were. I married into an instant family at 24. No training or a ‘working up’ through a 9 month pregnancy… it was POOF! You’re a daddy. The only thing I knew was how I was raised as a kid and let me tell yas… my parents were not exactly Ozzie and Harriet. But we stuck it out and Mika and I are still together today. Through all the piss and vinegar and the pains of two young people trying to figure out what a marriage meant… we are still here.

So the third party information I heard was that Tojo plans to have Boo live with her. Tojo is going to ’save her’ from the miserable life that she has with us. Tojo knows what is best for Boo having lived in the shit herself and she will not stand by and allow Boo to suffer the same agony. Honestly, it felt like a knife through my heart. I bear no malice towards Tojo and I only wish her happiness. I try to stay out of her family’s business especially now that she is married with a child on the way. It’s not that I am not appreciative of her concern but I’m already losing a wife. Why is it that everyone is trying to take apart what little family I have left?

More importantly, why does Tojo continue to show such malevolence towards her own mother? And indifference to myself? The lifestyle and behaviors that she continually recants of my wife are snapshots of the past. The fact that my wife has a diagnosed mental illness from a certified psychiatrist and that she is under treatment with therapy and medication seem to make no difference in why things happened as they did. If we could undo whatever wrong that was done… we would gladly do so. But we can’t. All we can do now is move on and make the best with the time that we have left.

And what will Tojo say about us to her own child? She has already excluded us from her marriage. Will the childbirth be next? And what after that? How long will we be punished? What imprisonment will she choose long after my wife has served her time and returned? I don’t think there is a limit. Furthermore, how much of this will carry over to her own new family? If it came down to it… I would ask for forgiveness. I will gladly admit that I had no clue of how to be a parent in the beginning. But Tojo could at least acknowledge that we have learned much from our mistakes and that we are completely different people now. Mika and I still need to change many things but our home actually has a harmony to it right now. Something that we didn’t have years ago. We are happy here despite not having everything that we want. Our home is a good environment and it shows with Boo’s grades and her extra curricular activities in music. The pattern is repeating that Boo is not into drugs or alcohol or hanging around the wrong people. Boo is not a chronic runaway and she is not a delinquent juvenile.

I’ve accepted the reality that I’ll never be close to Tojo. If that is my punishment then sobeit. But don’t manipulate my last remaining daughter for selfish reasons. It’s not fair to force Boo to choose between her parents or her sister. I don’t have cash, cars and cell phones to throw around and yes… we have chores here. But Boo is at least content with her life for the moment. If we were on the brink of homelessness or if Boo was into all the bad things I’ve said before then yeah, a change of environment sounds like a good idea. As a parent, I want what is best for my children… even if that means letting them go. What I feel or want is secondary. I’ve said before that we would not hesitate to die in place of our children… and the same can still be said today. Even for Tojo.

I love my children. I will always love them. Nothing will change that.

So yesterday… well.. day before yesterday now… my wife calls me at work and she sounds really upset. Our lives have not exactly been a bowl of cherries lately. We were really anxious about Mika’s court date a week ago that was rescheduled. It looked as though things were actually going to work out. The guy that represented the “offended” party was on board but he said it would be up to the “loss prevention” department on how things would go after this pre-trial-diversion thing was put on the table. I figured the Judge would go along with it if the prosecutor was in agreement.

I’ve already put in my notice at my job… the last day is the 15th of September. My college courses are to begin October 1st. With my wife not having to go to jail and a prospect for a job by the end of the month… it looked as though everything was going to work out. It seemed like things were falling into place… things out of my control. I was beginning to feel like it wasn’t God’s Will for my wife to end up in jail. We could pick up the broken pieces and try to put our lives back together again. Perhaps even be stronger than when we were when this ordeal began. In fact we’d be better off since I would be back in college with a degree in IT a mere two years away… going full time, of course.

That all changed Monday. Mika got a phone call from her attorney. The prosecution was not going to cooperate. The PTD fell through. The next court date will be nothing but a sentencing and my wife will be going to jail. She could be imprisoned for up to 5 years if the Judge wants to be an ass about the whole thing.

I was devastated.

What the hell am I going to do now? Everything I had planned with my wife… kinda sorta INCLUDED her in the process. There is no way I can work part time and attend college full time and be a single parent all at once. I needed Mika’s help paying the bills and doing the soccer mom thing. I was going to focus on college and doing PC repair work on the side while working part time.

Somewhere in the “risk management” department of my brain, I had formulated a backup plan just in case things would go wrong. However, I didn’t really think I’d actually NEED the backup plan. I’m just the type of person that prefers options… a plan B… a plan C. The backup plan was to cash in what meager funds I have in my retirement plan. Last I checked… it was worth nearly $11k. That’s not a significant amount of money for retirement but I had accumulated this money over the last 16 years. Before the big crash in the 90’s… it was double that. Here lately it waffled between $10k and $11k and I was deliberating on re-investing it somewhere to earn more interest. Early withdrawal meant getting taxed to hell and back… and then getting taxed again on the tax. This was the “in case of emergency” money that you’re supposed to have hidden for when things go to shit.

Well, we are in the shit now.

I can’t help to think of how too-good-to-be-true this whole scenario sounded. Mika not having to go to jail. Me finally getting a degree so I can apply for a ‘for real” job. Working part time so I could be at home more and not having to be a bill collector. Mika working her own hours doing very light duty work that would pay really well. I mean it was like the Universe was aligning or something… God had heard our pleas was being merciful with us. “Now, now kids… I hope you’ve learned your lesson. Time to get your lives together for real this time. Be happy, be successful, and be content.” He was saying. At mid-life we could learn from our mistakes and really start LIVING instead of just existing.

I guess I was wrong.

The truth is… I have no fucking clue what I’m doing right now. These decisions I’m making are reactive… not contemplative. Sure, it’s great to have a plan if things fail miserably and it’s good to calculate the risks… but it’s another thing entirely when your life is being manipulated by outside circumstances. All I can do is the best I can with what I’ve got. I’m not making wise decisions. The amount of wisdom put into my decisions is the equivalent of ordering from a fast food menu. Do I want tots or fries with that? Shall I supersize? Ah yes, I am but a pawn in this game of life.

So why is this happening to me? Why is this happening to us? Am I not a good person? What sin have I committed that demands such punishment? Am I not allowed to be happy or successful? Is my family not meant to grow and flourish with what few years we have left on this Earth? I’m not really feeling sorry for myself. I understand that the decisions my wife and I have made together have brought us to this point. I’m not shaking my fist at God cursing His Name. But you have to ask “why” or at least “why me”?

I know many people that cheat the system. They lie and steal and get away with it. Then when confronted with their crimes… they are allowed leniency. I’ve seen people report as income SSI, Medicare and unemployment yet they are buying a 50″ LCD TV. And here it is my wife, someone who is genuinely trying to make things right but is being punished as though her documented mental condition is something fabricated to get out of jail free. Has she not punished herself enough?

My Mom had told me that I don’t really have any faith. She said I believe but have no faith. God would show me what faith means. I really don’t know what to say to that. I know I am not the center of the universe and that God is “out to get me”. But I can’t help to notice how when I invest my hopes for something good to happen… not necessarily for my own benefit… that things fail. I really want to believe in that “Grand Design” that we are all a part of but at the moment it feels like a kid with an ant farm.

And right now he is shaking it up to make us start all over again.

I made a promise to my Mom that I would go back to school. Get a degree. Get a better job. So, today I registered to a local college to get a degree in Information Technology. Two years ago I attempted to do all of this online. However, my current job work schedule doesn’t leave much free time… unless I just decide to NOT sleep. I have a friend who used to practically be an insomniac. You would think he’d be a very productive person, eh? Yeah, well… feeling tired all of the time is pretty chitty.

Anywho, since all of my Federal info was still on file… all I had to do was update. I paid my $50 enrollment fee at the college today and everything has been set up for me to begin classes in October! If all goes well, two years from now I’ll have an Associates Degree in IT. Now the college part has been pretty much been paid for either by Grants or Loans or a line of credit. The only other problem is how the hell am I going to pay my monthly bills after quitting my current job so I can be a full time student?

I have about two months to figure something out. I’ve committed myself to the college thing as of today. There is no going back. I’ve resolved that I will quit my job… even if it means slinging hash at the local Waffle House for minimum wage. My parents are going to help, God Willing my wife will get a job soon so that I can work part time or full time in the day hours so I can attend college in the evenings.

Things seem to be falling into place. I supposed it’s time to see whether or not I really have faith because brother… I am definitely gonna need some Divine Intervention on this one. The decision to attend college is a good one. The field of study is pretty popular right now and my emphasis is more toward technical than programming. Stuff breaks… plain and simple. But I’m not gonna get a job as a Network Tech with NO credentials or certifications.

I want out of this greed-based, collection agency business. Sales is not the career for me as I’m not a good liar. I’m not one of those “bet I can do it better than you” typed people. I could give a hoot if my pile of money is bigger than yours. I’m not “hungry” as the store owner likes to put it. He’s a friend of mine (sort of) and I have nothing against him as a person but… again in his own words “you can work your ass off at this job and still FAIL.”

Well then call me a failure because I’ve sure as hell been working my ass off.

We were supposed to have our day in court today. This will, of course, sound completely off whatever topic I may have been on since I’ve been neglecting this blog. Long story short… my wife got into some trouble because of her Borderline Personality Disorder and now she is trying to make things right.

There is something here called Pre-Trial-Diversion. Basically, it’s like being on parole but without the conviction if all parties involved agree to it. No breaking the law in any way, regular report-ins, be employed, serve community time as restitution and so forth. It’s that or jail and a felony on your record.

Needless to say my wife has been going through a very difficult time. However, in some ways we have actually grown closer through this maelstrom. I think all of this has made her a better person but what terrifies her the most is the incarceration should things go wrong. The stigma of a felony won’t help things either but from what we can tell… the best odds are 50/50.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… stress brings out the best in people… and the worst in people. MIKA has persevered through so much, I don’t know if she will be able to keep it together if things don’t go well. How uncanny it is that her future could be so bright and bleak at the same time. All I can do is pray and hope that God’s Will be done… whatever that may be.

I was asked to speak on behalf of my wife before the State. Although this essay is not due until next week, I went ahead and typed something up while I had the time. The following is a page and a half of some positive stuff to present before a Commission to decide if my wife should be eligible for the PTD.

I was asked to speak before you all today on behalf of my wife, Michelle. How often do we as family, friends or loved ones, ever get a chance to stand fast before witnesses in a time of need? I see this as an opportunity to show my love and support for someone that I am so fortunate to have.

The truth is that if I was asked to say one good thing about my wife… I could not. This is true not because of the circumstances that has brought me here. This is true because there is much more than one good thing to say.

Words to describe Michelle:

Passionate. My wife wears her heart on her sleeve. Her love, her disappointment, her joy or her sorrow can be so easily read… at least by me. Over the years I have learned to look and to listen more than to judge only on actions. Look at her face and you will know what she is feeling inside. It has taken us many trials and tribulations to learn this but I am grateful that I have been given the wisdom to understand.

Loyal. Both Michelle and myself have few people we call friends. The world today can often double cross someone so willing to stand up for a comrade. Despite having been taken advantage of a few times in her life.. Michelle is grateful for those who consider her an ally. She will go out of her way to help someone in need no matter what the personal sacrifice.

Trustworthy. I would trust my wife with my life. I would trust my wife with my children. I had posed the question to her one day in front of my daughter. “If it were a choice for someone to live and someone to die… would you trust your mother to choose in such a way that you would survive?” My youngest daughter hesitated to answer. Partly because she was startled by the question and partially because she would never ask her mother to make such a decision. However, I knew my wife would answer the same as I would. We would gladly lay our lives down for our children. When the walls come falling down, I know I can trust my wife to make the right decision.

Honest. Being here today, one might not think I would talk of my wife being honest. However, I see things differently. It takes an honest person to own up to what they have done… especially after they have been confronted by it. It takes an honest person to wait to be judged when they could easily deny everything and run away. It takes an honest person to keep a promise. I’ve seen my wife grow as a person over the last 16 years. Doing the right thing doesn’t always have a pleasant reward or a pat on the back and I find it admirable that my wife is honest enough to be here before you all today.

Loving. Michelle has always been one for extremes. When she loves, she loves with all of her heart. We each had our own idea of what love is when we began our relationship but over the years life has taught us a few lessons. We learned some in the good times but we have learned more during the bad. I feel here recently we have grown closer during this difficult time. We have learned that no matter what mistakes a loved one has made… you don’t just stop loving them. Love is what makes all the hardship meaningful. In the end, they are still by your side and you are never alone.

Eccentric. Life would be pretty boring if we were all the same. I can say in many ways Michelle and I or quite the opposite. However, it is the unusual formations of clouds that give them shapes and faces… not uniformity. So it is the same with my wife. Whether it be the pen collections or the hoard of figurines or the ability to instantly bond with any animal… it is all those odd things that make my wife who she is. And I would not want to change any of them. Maybe tone them down a bit… but not change.
Creative. My wife has musical talent. She likes arts and crafts. She also has a different way of looking at people or things. I cherish this because I want our home to be full of color and sounds. When we are old… I want us to be painting or beading or whatever it is that old people do together as long as it has something to do with creating something from nothing.

Empathic. I’m not sure if it is because we have been married for 15 years but I don’t remember getting teary eyed so much as now whenever we are watching some tender hearted scene on TV or at the movies. You would think sometimes she knows the characters on a personal level as if they were real people. When they cry.. she cries. When they laugh… she laughs. I love how expressive my wife can be and the fact that she can so easily empathize with someone… even if they are a complete stranger.

What I see in my wife… I’m not sure if she realizes herself. What disappointments I have felt over the years have only been because I see her much more greater of a person than she is today. Although we all have room for improvement… I am still confident she will be an individual who will achieve great things.

It sounds cheesy at times… I know. And some times cliche’. But hey, I’m in love.

The advent of social websites such at Facebook and whatnot… people post pictures of family friends and other persons of close proximity. I don’t have many pictures of my family… the wife has horded them all and they are buried underneath a pile of stuff somewhere. In the case of an emergency… I’d only grab a few things: pets, pc tower and pictures. I can’t think of anything else at the moment but there wouldn’t be much else.

So what pictures say… was it a happy time or a sad time? I see pics of people I know on the web and can’t help but notice how they are smiling and laughing. Married couples embracing or holding hands… a candid moment someone caught on camera. Family photos with children who are smirking or waving. It all seems so warm and fuzzy.

I also notice how I have no pictures uploaded of my family. The ones I do have… no one is really smiling. It’s as though we are just here because we have to be… not because we want to be. I find it troubling that there are no pics of “group hugs” or of anyone laughing. I don’t see much happiness here. I don’t see anyone enjoying life.

I guess there is not enough love to go around.