I struggle with quitting my job. Mainly because of today’s economy but another part is “taking the easy way” out of a bad situation. Anyone can quit… but not anyone will stick it out to see it through. The only trouble is what is “seeing it through” in my case? I’ve drilled over and over into my kid’s heads that they should not up and quit when things don’t go as planned. I tell them work every job at least one year (in their teen-hood anyway) no matter how much they hate it to show that they are long term employees and can be committed to responsibility. I just feel guilty for wanting to walk out from my job that truly and honestly isn’t really that hard.

My parents practically beat me upside the head with chastisement, reproof and counsel. They are so willing to help me through this situation… they want to see me happy. I like how my Mom used the analogy of business strategy. “I’m making an investment in your future so that in a few years… I’ll get a return.” She says. “I’m getting old… I won’t be able to work much longer… you’ll have to make enough money so you can support ME for a change!” It’s actually pretty funny at the end. I feel it is my duty as a son to take care of my parents so it didn’t feel like she was being selfish or sarcastic at all. I was in complete agreement.

The plan is to make it through at least three more months. Quitting my job isn’t necessarily because I finally admitted it was a mistake to change careers or that I have been burned twice already working at a family owned company prior to this employer or the fact that I am not a greedy sonofabitch who chases a dollar like his life depends on it. I’d say 50% of my decision to leave is the falling sales and mentions of cutbacks. Another good portion is seeing how (for the third friggin time) family members take advantage of their position as “employees”. It’s kinda hard to get motivated to sell when on one hand you are being told of cutbacks but on the other is a family member driving up recently purchased Hummer. Ya get me?

But I digress… we were talking about the plan. Over the next three months I’ll be looking for another job in a different field. Most likely in what I know the best… shipping and receiving. However, I doubt I’ll find anything that can match what my current salary is working 40 hours. I’ve accepted that there will be a significant pay cut but the new job… full time or part time… will only be temporary. My parents said they will help out on a monthly basis with a said amount of money and soon my wife will figure out whether or not she can go back to work (for reasons that will not be discussed). September 1st should show a clear path of the direction I shall follow.

Once I’ve moved on to a different job and established a schedule… the plan is to go back to college full time or part time… depending on availability. I tried to do the online college thing about six months or more ago but my free time is too sparse unless I will just do without sleep. Not having to work full time anymore will open up a plethora of opportunities. The aid from my wife and parents in conjunction with my part time work and maybe fixing some computers here and there for cash money… all of this together should hold the fort long enough to get a degree in something– anything.

The questions that loom in my head is that before taking my current job… prayed about it… really seeking some spiritual direction from God. Did I doubt His Judgement and follow my own course or did I just misinterpret the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t build an altar and sacrifice a fatted calf or anything but I did make a deliberate attempt to consult and more importantly… listen to what His Will would be for my life. Maybe I’m just still naive and simple when it comes to these things or maybe I’m just more stubborn that I’d like to admit.

Regardless, here I am. What was done was done and I can’t go back. I’ve made so many mistakes in life but there is nothing I can do about them now. I’m not sure if I learned anything and if I did I’m not sure if it is worthwhile. Hopefully in 2 years or so… I’ll have a degree in something “computery” and will begin a new journey working in a field that uses my mind rather than my back. Work smarter… not harder. This motto has become a new philosophy for me now that I’m getting up there in the years. My gray is showing and my body if falling apart. I need an equalizer now and again… even if it IS a tire iron.

Well talk more later.

My current status in life is nothing of what I wanted it to be at this age. The big “40″ is almost here to where I can officially say I’m “middle aged” and execute my plans for the mid-life crisis. The desperation of getting older wears on me like a soiled apron… I want to take it off but my hands are too filthy to touch anything else.

All but one of the kids are at home and I have but only 4 years left before she too will most likely set out on her journey to independence. Regrettably, my wife has joined the ranks of the 9.3 percent of the country that is unemployed. Now I am the sole provider for the family which is something I’ve never done before. I hate my job but I can’t quit because there is nothing to fall back on. Funds are nearly depleted… there is smoke coming from the fuselage… the ship is taking on more water than the bilge pumps can handle. Someone keeps yelling at me to lighten the load but we’ve thrown everything over but the tackle.

But things could be worse.

My father is currently at a VA rehab center where they are teaching him how to be independent despite having poor eyesight. The blind is leading the blind… quite literally. He can make no excuses because his current health is 80 percent better than most of the people who are there. Although he could be considered “disabled”… he still has more mobility than most at his age and condition. God has blessed them with some financial aid and more importantly… assistance for my Dad. The VA is giving him things to do to keep him active. Getting him out of bed and off the couch and outside walking and talking. They’ve given him a craft to try and he is actually enjoying it. They are helping him out of the rut and giving him something else to think about other than his age and decrepitude. And I’m very thankful to the Jesus for taking care of my folks in ways that I could never be able to do.

I too am in a rut. My health, my self esteem, my state of mind have all been affected. My life has become circular in that I work, I go home, sleep and then repeat the same misery the next day. I suppose my time is being spent doing all the wrong things but when there is so MUCH that is wrong… it seems futile to try anything differently. It’s quite depressing to think about and I feel so lost and defeated.

But my Mom.. the angel that she is.. and now that Dad is feeling so much better… they discussed my dilemma. I’ve tried not to ever ask them for help considering their fragile existence. I don’t want to burden them with more problems. But I really didn’t have a choice. They gave me some assistance that was such a blessing from God and even though nothing has really changed… the fact that I now have something to fall back on in case everything falls apart. It’s at least a glimmer of hope.

I must now formulate a plan to find something better for this time of my life. In a few months I shall attempt to search for a new job in a different field. August will bring either a great achievement or a great disappointment. I feel less of a man that I have to take help from others but pride is a luxury when trying to provide for a family. It is a fact that I can’t do this alone and I may not get another chance to change careers.

I just wanted to post how thankful I am for my parents. Thankful also to God that despite how I’ve been such a disappointment that He still chooses to help me. I’ll never understand the how’s and why’s. I’ve never claimed to be wise in the way of life. But I feel humbled and the need to express thanks is overwhelming. I’d prefer not to hit rock bottom if it can be helped.

Where to begin? Where to end?

Life has a way of getting away from you. Between being beaten down by it… or the lack of heart to hold it tightly in hand. Before you know it… months have gone by. Where has the year gone? Where has the DECADE gone? It seems only yesterday when my daughters where climbing up into my arms and thought the world of me.

I’ve got some reorganizing to do. My life is a pile of … well… shtuff.

I had a really really bad day at work. I also had a really really bad night at home previously. Now I’m wondering what tomorrow will bring. The holidays… any day off for that matter… have been getting more and more depressing for me. Here I am at the halfway point of my life and I don’t like very much about myself.

Each day brings a new failure. Each day brings a new disappointment. Effortlessly might I add. I can’t seem to find the strength to change anything worth changing. Everything is superficial. None of my actions really amount to anything.

I feel as though I’m half asleep all the time… as though I’m here but not really here. What I imagine that I could do is about as vague as what I’m really doing. It’s all so pointless and meaningless. My life has no purpose. This is wasted space.

I don’t have the respect of my peers or my family. People only listen to what I say when it is congruent with their own agenda. My family is a house full of self-serving and selfish children. We are all so quick to complain about what affects us… and are only interested in what we can get from each other. No one here offers anything. No one here wants to serve.

My choices are limited. The future is “what can be taken” rather than “what can it offer”. My memory? My health? My mobility? My independence… if I can call it that. My future is to be alone and forgotten.  My future is all the things I regret. My future is not what will be but what it could have been. My future is failure.

So I really don’t know where to go from here. Do I throw away everything that I know and start my life over? Do I just finish things now and just accept my fate… my judgment? Or do nothing and wait for it all to be taken away. Regardless of my choice or lack there of… life will continue oblivious of my existence.

I don’t understand anymore. I only wanted to be wise. I’ve only wanted to help people. I’ve only wanted to create beautiful things. I’ve only wanted to explore beyond what I know. I’ve only wanted to be a good person. What good have I done? What have I done?

Sleep overtakes me.

It is  a full moon tonight and the ambient temperature is so comfortable it’s like floating in a cool still pool. The skies are all clear and the moonlight is so bright you could ride the road with no lights on. I’d ride all night in weather like this… fall is just around the corner and there will be more evenings like this to come. If I had the money and the time… I’d probably end up on a beach somewhere south of here with my feet buried in the sand.

But I don’t have the money or the time. Work comes early tomorrow and I can’t be late. It’s not like I didn’t take the time to appreciate the moment. The timing is all bad.

I wish I could take a vacation.